TALKING ABOUT MY FEARS // SH*T JUST KEEPS ON GETTING REAL

 

Some of us afraid of the dark. Some of us are afraid of heights. I’m afraid of silence.

I was inspired to write this post a few months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night after experiencing something I don’t think I have ever properly felt. My house is next to a main road, next to two hospitals. My hearing ear faces that road when I sleep. I always have earphones in and music or an audiobook on, or I’m having a conversation with someone, important or not.
I do not allow for silence in my life.

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Anyways, so I woke up in the middle of the night a few months ago and was shocked into a panic attack. This wasn’t the first time I’ve had a panic attack, but it was still a traumatic experience for me.

I’m deaf. I have no hearing in my left ear due to a structuring problem and have dealt with and ignored this my whole life.

I have always felt more comfortable living next to a main road, it means constant noise and constant comfort. Yes, you can still hear. You are okay. So, when I awoke to total silence for what was probably the first time in my life I lost my shit. I was exhausted and afraid. I was new to this and if you don’t’ have a disability you may not understand. I would equate this feeling to your period coming late and you looking down at your white pad and thinking am I pregnant? Even if you’re not sexually active. It’s ridiculous and there’s no reason for you to think it but, for a few seconds, you’re scared shitless.

I have lived my whole life this, mostly without realising it. I have always had noise. I always have the tap of my keyboard or the constant jabber or my youngest brother to keep me aware. I have never known silence. It’s like that thing or place you’ve hard everyone else talks about but you’ve never been and you still don’t fully understand it. I had never experienced silence until that night and I was not a fan.

I’ll be honest, I am still afraid of certain insects that lurk in the night, and I’m not big on escalators. But, more than anything I am afraid of losing my hearing. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but as someone who already struggles o the day-to-day with only one functioning ear, I’m not fond of the idea of going fully deaf. I’m not saying it would be the end of the world, but a lot comes with being disabled, some of which I have already experienced and some which I hope never to experience.

I am afraid of silence, and I don’t think that will ever change. I am afraid of silence and that is my big secret. I am afraid of silence and I hope you never will be.

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HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?
YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE ME YOUR TELL ALL OR TELL ME YOU RELATE, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HAVING SECRET FEARS?

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11 thoughts on “TALKING ABOUT MY FEARS // SH*T JUST KEEPS ON GETTING REAL

  1. Everyone has secret fears that don’t seem rational to other people, but that doesn’t make them any less scary. I’m afraid of the dark. It’s embarrassing and rationally I know there’s nothing in the dark that can hurt me, but I’m still scared. I’ve never had a panic attack so I won’t say I understand, but I do hope today is a better day for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can see why you’d be scared especially since you rely so much on your right ear and to not be able to hear anything would be scary! As for me, I’m scared of birds, clowns and losing my glasses. All I can see is blurs and shapes without them so if I ever lost them or have lost them in the past, I was scared.

    It’s kind of a big joke with my eyesight, though. It’s really really bad and my eye doctor even told me that. He went to hand my mom a thing to put over her eye and then looked at me and said Your eyes are terrible so I didn’t even hand it to you 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, yeah I totally see what you mean. I used to have multiple pairs (lol 2) so I would always have a pair on each bag. But, then I get a new prescription and that plan went out the window. I would have multiple pairs, but god damn glasses are expensive. Why???

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I definitely get that fear, Ellyn. Real talk, my dad was born deaf and I know sign language, and I still worry about what would happen if I lost my hearing someday. That being said, (and I hope this comforts you) I will say that I’ve seen first hand that deafness is not a death sentence and that I know a lot of deaf people that integrate totally into the hearing world much more easily than you might think.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much! I know that deafness isn’t a death sentence and I’m not even that worried about myself?? It’s more about how my family is already so ignorant about my disability and they already scoff at me now, so I honestly, don’t know how they would handle me without any hearing at all.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t think it seems irrational at all!

    I actually was afraid of escalators for a long time, but somehow I managed to get stuck on one as a child (My clothes got caught somehow), and my parents didn’t notice and just walked away without me for several minutes. In an airport. I legitimately thought I’d basically be left there forever.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Right?! I was a little offended they didn’t seem to notice they were missing an entire child! 😀 I still stand dead in the middle of the escalator, though, and don’t touch the sides. Just in case I could manage to get caught in there again somehow….

        Liked by 1 person

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